Castles in the Air

Haven't felt like writing much the last couple of days. Saturday was busy, shopping for Allison's wedding gift, and Sunday was the wedding shower. I had a pronounced feeling that I didn't fit in with the assembled company. The women were so polished and posh, with manicured finger and toe nails, coifed hair, fashionable clothes, shoes too high and pointy for my taste, and handbags too small to hold anything but a cell phone, a set of keys, and a credit card. Maybe a lipstick too, but nothing more.

I used to love wearing tight shirts, short skirts, stiletto heels, stockings with garters, pushup bras, & etc. I would spend hours getting my eyelashes just right. I spent loads of money on "being seen", going to concerts, clubs, etc., so I could meet guys and get laid in the hopes of meeting "the one". Well, I finally gave all that up and dressed preppy for work when I worked at Bookstop and Herbie got married (and no longer partied with me), and I met Logan. I don't think he's "the one", but he is the one for now. He and I have some things in common, but not as much as I'd like. I want a guy who will lay in bed with me of a Sunday morning, working the New York Times crossword puzzle. I want a guy who will kiss the backs of my knees. I want a guy who actually enjoys cunnilingus rather than once in a blue moon consenting to performing it.

I think my weight has aged me, though. I won't wear heels even if I have to go barefooted. My purse is full of crap I might need "just in case", which includes medicine and a Swiss Army knife Logan gave me as a birthday present one year. Occasionally, I even find things like crayolas and Legos, which have help making their way into my bag. I find that I'm less tolerant of loud noise, what passes for music nowadays, and being shacked up with a guy who doesn't seem to think I'm very smart.

I know my life didn't get where it is overnight. I can make changes. I didn't start off feeling depressed, but this sure sounds down. I really don't mean it that way. I guess I just feel old, and am wondering how to go about making things better.

I need to improve my environment, my health, and my prospects. I'm working on my environment by beginning to get the house de-cluttered and cleaned, planting flowers, hanging curtains, and painting, and at work, I'm putting up pictures, cards, and drawings the kids have done. I'm going to the dentist and the pulmonary doctor next week. I need to get set up to get a CPAP machine so I can feel better and deal with my sleep apnea that keeps me sleepy and exhausted most of the time. Once I'm sleeping better, I hope to have more energy to workout, clean house, and do things like archery and fencing. With more energy, I hope, will come weight loss. With weight loss, I hope to look better. Also, I'm trying to get my bills paid off so I can look for a small apartment close to work.

Eventually, I hope to live on my own, or perhaps with the kids so that I can find "the one." It's not that I don't love Logan -- I do, deeply -- it's just that I think I would be happier being treated better, being appreciated. Of course, all these plans are just that, plans. But I think it helps make things real to get them written down, if not on paper, at least somewhere.