XOXOX & Thangs

Logan is the man. Yesterday, he got me a huge box of chocolate truffles (though the mushroomy kind would have been appreciated as well), TWO dozen longstem red roses, and took me to lunch. I think he felt sorry for me when I told him last year that the only guy who ever bought me flowers was Bill Chappell, the man who murdered my parents and sister. I gave Logan a handmade card, a variety of candy, and a book called Medieval Hunting: The Hawk and The Hound. The kids got candy and handmade cards as well, and Brighid made a card for me. Weyland tried to cut out hearts, and was frustrated by his efforts. He threw the hearts on my bed, but I gathered them up and will keep them. :)

In other news, I go back to the dentist tomorrow morning to have the permanent crown installed in the place where the temporary one is now, my lower right jaw, next to last tooth. Then tomorrow afternoon, I'm going to see my GP to have my iron level re-checked, my cholesterol checked, and to talk about various aches and pains. I might even see about getting a referral for a psychologist. I need to talk to someone objective about my problems and goals.

One thing that I became clear on while talking to Eric the other day is that I am afraid to go back to school because I'm afraid I won't fit in the desks. In the years following Weyland's birth, I've gained probably around 100 pounds. A former GP I used to see thought that I had what is called "survivor syndrome", a kind of guilt which causes a person to behave in a manner that subconsciously they think will protect them. He opined as I have built this wall of flesh around myself in order to keep myself from being hurt by relationships. If I make myself unattractive, then I won't be confronted by men who might be interested in me, and thus, I can't be hurt.

I have to wonder how much my weight affects Logan's desire to sleep with me. I'm sure it can't be fun, having someone who weighs 300 pounds on top of you. To be fair, he weighs around 250 pounds at least, so I would get crushed, too, if he was able to get on top, but his bad knee precludes that. Back when we first started dating, I weighed about half what I do now, and he weighed around 200 lbs. The first time we slept together, we broke my bed due to our... energetic acrobatics. So we went to his house and proceeded to break his bed as well. I thought it funny that we broke two beds in one day. Now, it wouldn't be hard to do that just by sleeping in the same bed.

I've got to do something drastic in order to get my life on track. I need to lose 150 pounds. I need to save up and buy a new car, which means getting a rein on spending and paying off all my bills. And when I get a new car, I need to go back to school so that I can do something more productive with my life than just being an accounting clerk. Everyone wants to make more money, sure, but given enough money, how many people are happy working at a mundane job? I feel that I must write. I've got to do something important. Given my fear of dying, fear that there really isn't a god and we just cease to be when we die, and my fear of living a meaningless life, I don't think I will be happy until I do something which I think makes a difference to someone, be it myself, my children, or the world at large.

Mr. Sandman

I've had some interesting dreams lately. I dreamed Logan gave me two gemstones that smelled like strawberries. What does this represent? The kids? They don't usually smell like strawberries. Brighid usually smells like she needs a bath because she always forgets to wear deodorant, and Weyland usually smells like dirty socks because he hates to bathe... until you actually get him in the tub. The he hates to get out. Then the other night, I dreamed that I met a fabulous Scotsman. He had glorious blond hair hanging down to his shoulders, a beard and moustache, and snapping blue eyes. He was wearing a kilt in what looked like the ancient Stewart hunting tartan. Here's a link with some pics of Stewart tartans:

http://www.lindaclifford.com/Stewart.html

So anyway, I met this guy who was just gorgeous, tall, broad-shouldered, with a great bellow of a laugh. He bent down to kiss me and then swooped me up in his arms (In my dreams, I always weigh what I did when I was about 20. I don't know why this is so. Perhaps I don't have an accurate mental image of myself.), when Logan turned on the bedroom light and woke me. I was pissed. I don't think the dream means anything in particular, just my brain having fun. Maybe I've been reading too much brain candy lately, and not enough non-fiction.

The weird thing, though, is that I saw a guy who looked almost like the guy in my dream on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson the other night, in a band called "The Wicked Tinkers". Here's a link:

http://www.wickedtinkers.com/Bio's.html

The guy's name is Keith Jones. He doesn't appear to be wearing a Stewart tartan, but the drum is in the way, so I can't tell which one he is wearing. In any case, I thought the band was really great, full of energy, and ...loud. If they put in an appearance at the Highland Games in Arlington this summer, I'm going.

I should really get to sleep earlier, but I wouldn't have seen them if I hadn't been watching Craig the other night. He had them on to play at a sort of on-air wake he held for his father, who died last week. Craig gave a really touching monologue in honor of his father. You can see it here:

http://www.cbs.com/latenight/latelate/

I've never been a person who is much affected by famous people, but I had to send him an email after seeing that show. I think it is extraordinary to find a celebrity who really acts like a normal person. Grief is something most people try to push aside and ignore. I thought it was wonderful that he was able to convey just a bit of what he is going through via the medium of television. It made me, as part of the audience, feel closer in a way to this personality whom I find amusing and interesting.