The Pursuit of Happiness, or Girl Interrupted

The butt crack rash cleared up pretty quickly, but then I was laid low by the flu AND strep throat for a week. I managed to miss three days of work (without pay, since I don't have any sick time left, and can't take my vacation until I'm off probationary status in May) and miss my oldest daughter's 26th birthday. Damn, I feel old.

I've been so tired and worn out, that I haven't yet gone to work out in the gym after work. I always think of some excuse. I've been having trouble breathing, probably a residual of the flu, and my back has been such a misery of pain that all I want to do after work is go home and go to sleep.

So this morning, I woke up with so much pain in my back that I figured the only thing for it was a pain pill or, just perhaps, well, a bit of relaxation in the form of the pursuit of happiness. (Sounds better than self-abuse to me.) Hey, if one can't find pleasure in oneself, in whom can one find pleasure?

To this end, first, let me say that anyone who doesn't self-medicate in this manner is either a liar or in dire need of psychiatric help.

And to the other end, well, the fait was not accompli. First, one of the kittens hopped on the bed, jumped in my face, and proceeded to try to nurse on my shirt, purring loud enough to wake the dead. I tossed him/her on the floor, and tried to pick up where I had left off. Then, Logan barrelled his way down the hall with the garbage, as it was trash day. (Am I too late for the trash? No, lady, hop right on!) Then Logan came back in the house, turned on the hall light, which shines into the bedroom, and my mood was killed entirely. Then, of course, die rousing of die kinder began, and any thought of resuming my ministrations was completely annihilated.

So whether or not this evening will prove more successful is yet to be seen. I hope to lure Logan into my boudoir with promises of a picnic in bed, a back rub, maybe even a little something for his troubles. Our love life has pretty much come to a screeching halt since he decided last August that it was just too painful, considering my weight and his decrepitude. But that shouldn't put a halt to EVERYTHING, dammit! If we were married, I'd divorce him for failing to perform his husbandly duties. I think it shows a lack of imagination on his part. Hell, I've managed to do a variety of sensual things in a variety of locations, positions, and degrees of drunkenness. Is it too much to ask him for a hand with my... pursuit of happiness once in a while?!?

the indignity!

Last night, I noticed a slight burning in my, ahem, well, ...butt crack area. So I had Logan look at it, which was hilarity itself, having to put up with his -yes- wisecracks. He opined as it looked like diaper rash, and I should clean it with some Listerine (ouch!) and put some zinc oxide (baby butt rash medicine) on it. So I adjourned to fait ma toilette.

I got a baby wipe (We keep an ample supply chez nous, n'est-ce pas?) and liberally doused it with Listerine, which I proceeded to apply to mon fissure du cul (I hesitate to use "fente de bout", which is what I got for English to French at babelfish when I put in butt crack, but translates back into "slit of end" when I ask for French to English. I know, I know, it loses something in translation. I'll have to ask Fred, my weird French pen pal, how one says butt crack in French.)

And yes, it did sting. It smarted. My eyes watered. So I had a great idea -- I put a dab of Orajel® and some Campho-Phenique® along the "great divide" as well. Then, I slathered the zinc oxide on, for good measure. That ought to do the trick, I thought.

It does feel better today, but since I can't see it, I'll have to suffer through having Logan inspect the area again. I considered having him take a picture and posting that as well as this little story, but the indignity of it is just a bit much.

back to work

Well, I've been back to work now since the 3rd, and I must say that having a job where I get a winter break is remarkable. I got almost nothing accomplished, though on New Year's Eve, I did spend the whole day completing the Herculean task of cleaning out the 'fridge (which had not been attempted in six months or more, perhaps as long as a year, GAG ME!!!). Instead of doing all the piddly tasks I had assigned myself, I laid up in bed, ate bon-bons, petted cats, watched lots of t.v., and drank up most of the booze in the house, save for the Biohazard (tm), which is similar in color and taste to gasoline, and is hotter than the law allows. Among its many uses are tool cleaner, wormer, and a rub for sore joints.

Christmas was fairly uneventful in that there were no fires and no blood. In my book, that's a good thing (to steal a phrase from Martha Stewart).

Weyland had his faith in Santa Claus renewed, though, by receiving a "crabitat" complete with four hermit crabs. (Unfortunately, three have already died, so I'll have to go to the pet store this weekend and replace them.) My best friend, Herbie (aka Esther), generously donated the aquarium tank and most of the supplies after hearing that Weyland was "going to give Santa one more chance". So I ended up spending a lot of time surfing the internet, learning about hermit crabs. I ran across one pretty funny website. Scroll 2/3 down the page at: http://x-entertainment.com/articles/0815/ to see info on a parade held for a hermit crab.

Brighid was thrilled by receiving a Yu-Gi-Oh! "duel disk" from her brother. She is fairly obsessed with anime' in general, and with Yu-Gi-Oh! in particular. Personally, I don't care if I never hear another word about the whole subject, but at least, it is piquing in her a desire to learn Japanese.

I got Logan an old fart gift for Christmas, a device I called a "pecan picker upper", but which is listed as a "nut gatherer" on this website:

http://www.4thebestpecans/NUTGATHERER.HTM

Logan's was red, btw. Also, the kids and I had found The World's Largest Coffe Cup (tm, patent pending), which we gave him, filled with espresso flavored cookies and candy. Earlier in the season, I gave him a pre-Christmas gift of a red & white "fargo" type hat with "bah humbug" embroidered on the flap above the forehead. LOL

He surprised me with a smoothie machine which makes great margaritas. The kids have even amused themselves making odd creations in the device. Weyland took the cake with chocolate ice cream, strawberries, and rootbeer blended together. It tasted terrible to me, but he loved it.

So Christmas was pretty good, and then we got together with my siblings and the cousins on the 1st at Golden Corral for a gift exchange, where I received two CD's, a Robert Earl Keen, and a Lyle Lovett, from my brother-in-law, Jack. Logan got a good cigar and a gift certificate to Starbuck's (Starbucks'? Starbucks?), which seemed to please him. The kids got various gift certificates which they used to buy toys & DVD's to their liking, along with some clothes from their Aunt Louise, and some books & toys as well. So not everyone has resorted to "just giving gift certificates". I mean, it's kind of pointless, isn't it, when my kids get $10 Target gift certificates from their uncle, and I give his kids $10 Target gift certificates. LOL, great minds think alike, eh?

Well, lunch is now over, so like I said, back to work!