Piddling Affairs

Tomorrow I go in for pre-op, which means waiting, filling out paperwork, and probably getting my vitals checked. The hospital has to check to make sure I'm fit for surgery, and of course, that my insurance will pay for it. Then I get to drink potassium citrate and have an enema. Reamed in more than one way. Add to that the joy of having only clear fluids tomorrow (I asked Eric, "does vodka count??"), and I'm going to be one bitchy person tomorrow. But hallelujah! Friday I get my "fundament" repaired, as my grandmother would say. It will be good to get off the piddle pad regimen.

Last night, Logan and I watched Diary of a Mad Black Woman, which couldn't make up its mind between being a comedy or a drama. There were funny moments, but rather schmaltzy moments as well. Earlier, we had eaten the Tuesday special, $2.99 taco plates at Rosa's, with kids in tow. Monday, Logan left the kids at home and after picking me up from work, took me to eat fish and shrimp at Long John Silver's. Yeah, I know, no great shakes as far as the food goes, but Logan was making a point to spend time with me before my surgery.

I've been inexplicably nervous about this surgery. I'm not afraid of the actual operation, for I know the doctor is skilled - I've read up on him. I'm wary of being put under, and how my heart might react. I have no history of heart problems, but given my weight, cholesterol level, and blood pressure, I'm worried. Add to that the weird head things I've been feeling the last two days - dizziness, almost blacking out sitting here at my desk doing nothing strenuous, and feeling a burning sensation in my head along with a slight fever and headache - and I'm making myself paranoid.

Today or tomorrow, I have to get a will written, a durable power of attorney assigned to Logan, and decide what I want on a medical directive or "living will", should the worst happen and I end up in a vegetative state. It's not just the impending surgery causing me to think of all this, it's the fact that I've made contact with my son who was adopted out at birth and that I'm talking a lot more with Beth, and developing what seems to be turning in to a good relationship with her. I know I need to plan especially for Brighid and Weyland, since they are closer to me than my grown children, and know me as their mother, but I want to make some sort of provision for my first daughter and son as well. I just don't know what to leave them, since I don't have much of value. It seems ridiculous to make a list of all the various and sundry items, but I know how much ill will has been and can be caused by not being specific enough in one's will. I had two aunts who didn't speak to each other for years over a dispute about their mother's sterling silver charm bracelet. The main thing I want to leave everyone with is a warm place in his heart for me. (Ok, grammar police, "his" is correct - everyone = singular = his, for the masculine is correct when gender is not specific.)

I've told Logan that I want him and Susan to have final say in my funeral if they are both still around. I want a wake, a loud, boisterous, happy party. I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT want a somber viewing at a funeral home where everyone speaks in hushed tones, mumbling pleasantries, all the while wondering how long they have to stay for form's sake. So fer cryin' out loud, throw a party. With a three drink minimum. Spend the money on booze, music, food, and fresh flowers. I'd like a Dixie-Land jazz band, the kind they have in New Orleans, where they play music, carry umbrellas, and dance in the streets. I'd like a full gospel black choir singing "When The Saints Go Marching In". Hell, maybe even a mariachi band. But of course, a piper at graveside. I'd like to be buried in my Lindsay kilt or failing that, my favorite blue jeans. I want to be planted next to Pappy in a wooden coffin of the European style. Put coins on my eyes. Hire a couple of 20 year-old studly looking actors to keel and wail and throw themselves into the ground after the casket is lowered, just for kicks. But most important, I don't want a Baptist funeral or a Catholic one. As far as I'm concerned, the jury is still out as to whether or not there really is a god, so keep that in mind. It's ok to mention God in passing - cover all the bases, as it were - but for godsakes, don't make a production about it. Get the burying part over, and get on with the celebrating.