XOXOX & Thangs

Logan is the man. Yesterday, he got me a huge box of chocolate truffles (though the mushroomy kind would have been appreciated as well), TWO dozen longstem red roses, and took me to lunch. I think he felt sorry for me when I told him last year that the only guy who ever bought me flowers was Bill Chappell, the man who murdered my parents and sister. I gave Logan a handmade card, a variety of candy, and a book called Medieval Hunting: The Hawk and The Hound. The kids got candy and handmade cards as well, and Brighid made a card for me. Weyland tried to cut out hearts, and was frustrated by his efforts. He threw the hearts on my bed, but I gathered them up and will keep them. :)

In other news, I go back to the dentist tomorrow morning to have the permanent crown installed in the place where the temporary one is now, my lower right jaw, next to last tooth. Then tomorrow afternoon, I'm going to see my GP to have my iron level re-checked, my cholesterol checked, and to talk about various aches and pains. I might even see about getting a referral for a psychologist. I need to talk to someone objective about my problems and goals.

One thing that I became clear on while talking to Eric the other day is that I am afraid to go back to school because I'm afraid I won't fit in the desks. In the years following Weyland's birth, I've gained probably around 100 pounds. A former GP I used to see thought that I had what is called "survivor syndrome", a kind of guilt which causes a person to behave in a manner that subconsciously they think will protect them. He opined as I have built this wall of flesh around myself in order to keep myself from being hurt by relationships. If I make myself unattractive, then I won't be confronted by men who might be interested in me, and thus, I can't be hurt.

I have to wonder how much my weight affects Logan's desire to sleep with me. I'm sure it can't be fun, having someone who weighs 300 pounds on top of you. To be fair, he weighs around 250 pounds at least, so I would get crushed, too, if he was able to get on top, but his bad knee precludes that. Back when we first started dating, I weighed about half what I do now, and he weighed around 200 lbs. The first time we slept together, we broke my bed due to our... energetic acrobatics. So we went to his house and proceeded to break his bed as well. I thought it funny that we broke two beds in one day. Now, it wouldn't be hard to do that just by sleeping in the same bed.

I've got to do something drastic in order to get my life on track. I need to lose 150 pounds. I need to save up and buy a new car, which means getting a rein on spending and paying off all my bills. And when I get a new car, I need to go back to school so that I can do something more productive with my life than just being an accounting clerk. Everyone wants to make more money, sure, but given enough money, how many people are happy working at a mundane job? I feel that I must write. I've got to do something important. Given my fear of dying, fear that there really isn't a god and we just cease to be when we die, and my fear of living a meaningless life, I don't think I will be happy until I do something which I think makes a difference to someone, be it myself, my children, or the world at large.